I’m writing this on my last Sunday of being 30 with just 5 days left to go. Just writing the title of this post makes me feel a little sad and anxious.
Yes I’m not sure I’m ok with leaving this decade behind, I know I have no choice and many people just say it’s a number and that it’s not that old! However I have to say the ones that say this are older than me hehe. I’m sure once the day has come it will just naturally happen and that I will have to get used to it and maybe the build up is harder than the actual day when I have to just accept that I’m 40 instead of clinging onto the last few days of my 30’s.
Here’s the thing – for the last year I have had this milestone age in my head, I have looked at signs such as speeding signs with 40 on and felt a twinge of sadness. I can remember my own parents being 40 and now here I am. I know this sounds silly to some but I like to be honest in how I’m feeling.
Since having all my babies and mainly having them in my 30’s I have always (hormonally I think) questioned life and anxiously worried about what would happen if something was to happen to me in childbirth or when I’m out driving etc and my babies didn’t have me around. This uneasy feeling carries on whilst I’m nursing my babies through the night and so is obviously linked to lack of sleep and my head space. I can’t believe I have admitted this in writing but here I have said it. I’m not crackers honestly and I have been told I’m not alone with these thoughts. So as I had a baby just before turning 39, the last year has at times been filled with irrational thoughts. This I think has added to my worry of turning 40 and being that bit older.
My 30’s have given me 3 out of 4 of my babies and the best years of their little lives to cherish, so for that I will always look back very fondly. My lifestyle changed the most in my thirties being cigarette free, nightclub free and a distinct lack of drinking compared to my 20’s partying days. I much prefer sitting on my sofa in my pj’s at night with my husband then going out at night. So maybe I am embracing being older already! We have changed the way we holiday switching holidays from abroad to camping and glamping activity holidays around the UK, loading the car up with the kitchen sink and various baby equipment. I have seen a change of career leaving behind recruitment and now many years of childminding which has enabled me to be there for every moment with my own children, at the same time being a part of some lovely children’s lives along the way. These last few years also haven’t been the kindest to me as those grey hairs, mum tum, saggy boobs, piles from childbirth and other motherhood scars have appeared! Tougher times in marriage as obviously when you’re married for 15 years you go through ups and downs. I do feel like our downs are hopefully more behind us as it seemed the 30’s were harder for him and he seems to have taken to his forties very well.
I feel like I’m definitely a grown up now and have the constant stresses of money, planning for our future, parental worries as well as the worries of what the current state of the world is like for our children. I also haven’t had much time to myself to develop or discover new hobbies or to go and lunch with friends childfree. I don’t resent this, it’s just how it is and I only started to realise this in the last year when reflecting on my own self. I always wanted a bigger family but having a husband who’s not always able to be home and family not able to babysit we just don’t get time with each other or to myself. So when I turned 39 I said to myself 2017 would be my year to compensate for my fears of 40! It hasn’t really worked out that way as having a baby who is breastfed and a husband working away means I’m never far from home. I sometimes feel a little frustrated that I don’t get as much time as I would like compared to Dougie who can read a book in peace but I have instead decided to think that instead of spending a year doing what I would like to do more it would be more beneficial to just encompass this into everyday life more going forward. Be it sitting down and taking 5 to myself or planning the odd ‘me’ day once every so often for no reason other than I should or because I’m feeling overwhelmed by a busy working mum life.
I have this year taken up a whole new change in life and taken up a new fun albeit a little bizzare world of blogging and vlogging and this has given me a real sense of owning something for ‘me’, even if it’s writing about my children and parenting it feels cathartic, mainly positive and given my tired baby brain more knowledge than I thought I was capable of.
I have learnt how to edit, know what an Instagram pod is, understand Domain Authority know what a blog link up is! I’m constantly evolving, changing, rebranding and learning about technology, networking and whilst making new friends through it all. So I can say I have given myself time out this year from endless washing and cleaning to work on my hobby that I love, although most of what I do is still squeezed in at night time!
As writing this I’m still not sure where or what the next stage of life brings and I will no doubt be blogging about how to make forty fabulous at some point in the next few years. For now I’m going to forget the number, stay young with the help of my little ones and try have the odd coffee out / child free date with my husband and continue self development through my writing and new found hobby.
Everybody says life begins at 40 and that you find you’re happier with yourself and don’t care what others think so much. So I’m trying to tell myself to focus on the positive, it will just be a little harder to admit my age when asked!
If you managed to read all my head ramblings and got to the end of this post, then please tell me your thoughts/aspirations for your next big age milestone and or how you’ve felt about your 30’s.
Love Charlotte x