With four children spanning from a baby to 11 years old, we have faced different stages of challenges, levels of independence, age-appropriate activities and parental joys. We like to reflect together on our parenting approaches incorporating tips from friends, family and other research. We have carved out our own style of age gap parenting with a slow parenting approach in mind when life allows.
With our eldest, we have blindly entered each year of different childhood challenges, and parental techniques and worked our way through. We are fortunate that our eldest has been for the most part a very contented child. Kinda giving us a foot up the parenting ladder in working out techniques for dealing with all of our children and aiding us in proactive ways to entertain them, discipline them and support them in their childhood years. Of course, each of our children has different personality traits to keep us on our toes and adapt our parenting to suit.
Incorporating a slow approach to age gap parenting
One technique we take elements from is a term often described as ‘slow parenting’. We feel it’s not necessary even with our first child to rush their childhood as it’s such a short period. We’re mindful that toys, games and films are often pitched at children sooner than they should be. So we keep this in mind when watching tv, making present wish lists, getting toys out of the cupboard and navigating screentime. This really makes age gap parenting easier for us parents.
Play is a natural part of childhood, it allows young people to explore and discover at their own pace and by trying to get back to the basics of play with all our children whatever their age is always in the forefront of doing activities and day-to-day routines. It can be easy to fall into consumerism and think your child should be playing certain things. Yet often they are not being given the opportunities to be getting joy out of toys that are pitched (often inaccurately) for a younger age. We have been guilty of this in the past, by packing away toys thinking they are too babyish, only to find when a younger sibling has access that the older one gets the most play out of it.
It can feel hard at the time being the parent that says ‘no’ for example saying no to having the latest Xbox game. But I can honestly say that my children have never looked back at a certain fad or craze that we didn’t jump on and said it held them back, they missed out or indeed struggled to connect with peers because of not playing that game. Our rule of thumb is, if it doesn’t fit our family dynamics right now then it’s ok to explain to our child why we prefer them not to join in with peers on the latest fad or just wait a little longer. Often in waiting longer the trend then dies out.
We try and use a slow parenting approach when planning family activities. We pitch outings and activities that society probably deems more suitable for younger ones when planning family time. We don’t feel we’re holding our older ones back as they have opportunities to have one-to-one time at home or out and about when we split our parenting (tag team parenting). I will help Daisy bake a cake whilst Dougie parents the others or he will do fitness sessions with the older ones whilst I have the baby or some much-needed quiet time!
Older ones also have time away from home to gain independence through age-appropriate activities. Our children attend after-school clubs where they can be with their peers and gain lifelong skills for example at Scouts, cubs, swimming, gymnastics, piano lessons etc. Alongside this, they have time away throughout the year either residentials, school trips, scout camp, or one-on-one time maybe visiting a museum or attraction with us. It also doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive, having family games nights or movie evenings without the younger ones are often our favourite pastimes together.
So when we are all together, we pitch our activities and daily routines to try and encompass all four and lean towards including the younger ones and activoties pitched at a young age. It just takes a quick mindful plan to find ways to make the day work as best we can for all. Once you start incorporating these little tweaks they become second nature and you can spontaneously call upon these ideas when out and about. The kids will often remember their favourites and make requests!
Age Gap Parenting Tips That Work For Us
Out and about
When we’re in parks, having walks or picnics the little ones are entertained by playground equipment, woodland trails and playing catch and blowing bubbles. To keep our older ones happy we set them challenges such as climbing trees, geocaching, and running a game of hide and seek / what’s the time Mr Wolf! Failing this we allow them a little independence such as exploring an area by themselves with a time limit set. We also invested in battery-operated 2-way walkie-talkies, which the big ones love and means they can roam a little further without us having to shout to call them back for lunch!
Ours love 10 minutes independently to visit tourist souvenir shops in a museum or visitor’s centre for example. This also means our toddler is not becoming impatient with everyone whilst they’re looking around.
Shopping (not that we shop often all together!) can be an opportunity to give them age-appropriate jobs to keep them on task and to save our sanity such as writing lists, collecting the trolley and fetching items.
Age GAP PARENTING In the Home
Age-appropriate Movies – At home we stick to a few rules regarding age and that is we only allow our children to watch films rated appropriately to their age (few exceptions the first 3 Harry Potter films and Star Wars films) this makes it easier as when our eldest reaches 12 he will have lots of films to look forward to watching and will do so in his staying up time. We can then pick films that mostly entertain all 3 of the film watchers in the house.
During the week we have a younger children’s channel on the TV to keep the toddler in one place whilst I’m getting organised. The big two get organised for school without being too distracted. They get their time to view older programs at the little one’s bathtime.
Playing outside – We find when they’re in the garden they mostly play really well all together. The older ones forget their age as they should do, they all use garden toys in different ways and create different games when left alone from us! Our older two are also allowed some independence playing outside our house with friends as we are lucky to live in a relatively secure environment.
Bedtime Routine – We stagger bedtimes and have done so since Finlay hit about 5. Even if it’s 15 minutes difference it gives them a brief window of one-to-one bedtime, or allows them peace to read without tired siblings annoying them!
Chores & Pocket Money – Older ones can sometimes moan that they do more and how unfair that is. He is swiftly reminded that he has weekly pocket money hence a few more chores than others. We started £1 per week pocket money around aged 8, as before this we have found that they just aren’t that motivated nor old enough to grasp it. We also keep our money levels low as we have 4 and we don’t want them to have money thrown at them from a young age. It’s also good to encourage them to save up for bigger toys. Our 11 year old is now on £2 a week. There are plenty of weeks in the year that he will slack off and not be paid for but then he will also boost it by cleaning the car/ shed etc for more coins when he’s motivated! Now even our toddler is encouraged to take his plate to the sink, clothes to the wash basket etc to then justify the odd packet of chocolate buttons at the end of the week! At this age they really are happy to do such basic chores as they find it a good challenge!
Handing knowledge down – We have found that our older ones love to hand their knowledge down to their younger siblings. Either by getting stuck into younger toys, giving them a bigger train track, showing them a new sporting activity, explaining the cards they’re collecting or by making a treasure hunt up. A perfect example of sibling games occurred tonight when Finlay made up a game for Teddy with Star Wars figures and a softball- called Star Wars skittles! Its giving the older ones autonomy, allowing them to be teachers and and gives us grown ups a chance for a cuppa and breather. These moments are when you realise that they can have such wonderful sibling bonds and any doubts you may have towards bigger age gaps not working thankfully dissapear!
Homework – This one has always been a little tricky. It’s a challenge to pick the right time where the older ones are in a good window for learning at home and the younger ones are going to be less distracting. We tend to muddle through with what works best. Switching it up from weekends where one of us can entertain the younger ones or during the week when they’re all ameniable after school to get it done. I’m not a fan of doing homework at home, so this is probably why I struggle with the best way to tackle it. Once they get older and able to do work independently at their own desk it does at least feel easier. Any tips would be greatly received! Again knowledege gets handed down and the older ones also help the younger ones, as they understand the techniques that school uses more so than us adults sometimes!
Reflection – Having just a few minutes a day to ask them all one by one about a good fact of the day and anything that wasn’t so good? You’ll get a useful insight into how your children think. We’re often surprised that they have really enjoyed the simple things about the day. This reinforces the activities / resources that you pitch to them are appreciated.
Dont be afraid to adopt new styles and parenting choices
We have evolved as parents over the last decade an awful lot. We don’t have regrets just knowledge on what hasn’t served us well in the past. We are also constantly tweaking routines and activities to suit our growing family.
Sometimes it can be hard for the older ones to realise that we want a change when there used to a certain way of doing things. However tehy have often reflected afterwards on changes ad agreed and then helped reinforce changes with their siblings. I think the key is to be flexible and have discussions. If everyone is heard it seems to work better. There is so much more information available these days coupled with a desire to strip everything back a little simpler to cope with a busy world, it is inevitable that our parenting styles and choices will change alongside.
I would love to hear your thoughts on my age gap parenting ramblings. Please feel free to leave a comment in the box below.
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